Munchkin Land

Suburbia

2012-02-19T16:33:00.001-06:00

Possibly for the first time, at least in a long time because Mother Nature has been throwing around the idea of maybe having a winter, my subdivision was all full of subdivision stereotype glory today. Apparently it was like the first spring day here. The children were outside playing, the adults were walking their dogs. I actually stood in street for several minutes talking to multiple neighbors. I stopped to talk to the Drs. and their horse (I work with them and hang out with them, they're the only other people my age in the neighborhood) and then my neighbors from across the street were walking by and stopped to talk to us. We talked about who owns the dumbest dog. Clearly I won that competition right before Prada laid down belly up in the middle of the street to display all of her dog-ness to the other dogs.

It was neat.

This Hilarious Moment Brought to You By Match.com

2012-02-14T21:29:00.005-06:00

So, show of hands, who has been completely and utterly disappointed by the lack of antics and hilarity that has spawned from my match.com experience? Me too. This should make up for at least a few weeks of that time.

So I had been seeing this guy for a couple months, umm, we'll call him Buck. Everything was going well but his work schedule was less than ideal. He would get called in last minute and never new when he would work next. I tried to be accommodating but after awhile I realized I wasn't interested enough to try. For the last four weeks I've seen him for a total of three hours. Don't worry, I'm not heartbroken or anything, he was kind of a.....GRANDMA STOP READING... douche. I mean who even has to pause to think about whether or not they would ever attend an event as epic as The Dance. So anyway I was trying to decide if I actually had to take time out of my day to go see him to tell him I didn't want to see him since I wasn't convinced we were actually dating, although he took down his profile on match, so woops, he apparently thought we were. This is a lot of back story for a five text message story, sorry.

Buck - "I guess I'll leave you alone." (this received after very little conversation for about a week).

Munchkin - Insert something about how I tried but your work schedule is too awful and I don't want to have to be on call for a date and I want to actually spend time the person I'm dating, blah blah blah, sorry

Buck - "Well it never seemed like you wanted to see me when I had the day off. No big deal. Good luck."

Munchkin - didn't respond but was thinking, ok done

one hour later

Buck - "Thanks for doing it before Valentine's Day."

Munchkin - (thinking) Wow he's a bigger woman than I thought. Who cares about Valentine's Day, especially if you're a guy? How am I supposed to take that? I feel like it's bitter sarcasm but I've been watching Sheldon Cooper too much on The Big Bang Theory.

Another 20 minutes later

Buck - "You might want to wear something other than sweatpants on your next first date."

Munchkin - Hysterical laughter.

FYI I didn't wear sweatpants on our first date. I feel the need to depend because three people have already asked me if I actually did that.

Retracting Previous Statements...

2012-02-01T15:12:00.002-06:00

Ok so registration wasn't closed I was just apparently in the wrong spot, but it did say "registration closed" in a giant red banner!!! Anyway I got signed up for the 4:30 heat and there's only 13 spots left so hurry!!!

What I Learned Today...

2012-01-31T20:56:00.000-06:00

Registration for the Warrior Dash is already closed.

Hollywood Masquerade Ball

2012-01-29T19:41:00.003-06:00

Well I thought I'd come out of blogging retirement to post about the dance, mostly because the Mrs. a little bit threatened me after taking over 100 pictures on my camera. Here goes...

Favorite conversation of the night -
Me "Are you embarrassed by your children?"
Aunt G "Sometimes."

Favorite moment of the night -
Winning not one, but TWO awards for my costume. I carried one around the bar with me after the dance. I must, however, set the record straight. The idea was completely Mr. MC's and the Bride made my robe and Mr. MC's robe and Little Drummer Boy made the R2D2 costume. Basically I bought some fabric and a mask... that is it.

Other favorite moment of the night -
The performance was EPIC! I would like to see the video. Stat. (Please?).

Ok here's some photos.

I've grown tired of choosing from the 159 dance photos I have.

Seriously...

2011-12-10T16:20:00.001-06:00

I have owned (ok the bank has owned) my car for almost two years and today I pulled up to the wrong side of the pump to get gas. Sadly this was not like a brain fart moment, I do it all the time. It's ridiculous.

Now Accepting...

2011-12-08T21:24:00.001-06:00

ideas for Prada's and my (second) annual Christmas card photo shoot.

What I Learned Today...

2011-12-07T20:36:00.001-06:00

Misplacing your cell phone when you live alone and don't have a house phone can be an issue. The level of issue increases when the phone serves both as your bedroom clock and your alarm clock and you have to work in the morning.

What I Learned Today...

2011-12-06T21:43:00.001-06:00

Pinterest. I don't get it.

I Know This Isn't What You Want to Come Back to....

2011-12-05T21:09:00.003-06:00

http://drugmonkey.blogspot.com/2011/10/walgreens-bold-vision-of-future-as-it.html

but I can't post that on facebook with my name directly attached and I can't help but spread this as it directly affects my future and my (lack of) profession. Today I had a guy tell me to "hang on" mid counseling for his prescriptions because his cell phone rang. It did not end well for him.

It's Nice To Be Loved

2011-11-09T18:13:00.002-06:00

Today I went over to You Can Call Me Al's house to pick something up, and ended up "playing chess" with Wii-man for about an hour. I use the term "play chess" loosely as he seems to just line up all his pieces however he wants and then proceed to take all my pieces. Anyway, I left to to Walmart and I wasn't even across the tracks yet when I received a text from Al -

"You haven't even been gone one minute and Wii-man says 'we have to Walmart mom so I can see Munchkin."

What I Learned Today...

2011-11-06T16:18:00.002-06:00

I'm not ready for parenthood. Last night Prada and I stayed at the Bride's house (I'm not sure what we're supposed to call her husband on here anymore) after the party. I realized about five seconds before we got to their house that I had forgotten to bring food for Prada to have in the morning. So like any responsible parent, I grabbed her an egg mcmuffin when we went to McDonalds. This, of course, was after I fell down the stairs. I'm not going to post any other details of the night as I'm currently trying to block it from all memory.

Unwise Words

2011-10-12T19:20:00.003-05:00

The best thing to say to the person about to you (by choice) an injection is probably not "hey, what's the hold up?" Oh I'm sorry Sir, did you not see the six other people who walked in right before you did? Do you not hear that obnoxious dinging of the drive thru bell? Can you not see that I'm on the phone? My apologies, I will drop everything I'm doing, including the other (much nicer) people that are ahead of you to feed that ego of yours that thinks you are the only person in the world. Now where did I put that depo needle?

Furniture Shopping - Day 1

2011-10-01T18:35:00.001-05:00

I stopped at Wrights after work today to have a look around. It's too much.

Advice Section

2011-09-28T20:43:00.001-05:00

I need to start furniture shopping. Go.

What I Learned Today...

2011-09-26T20:42:00.002-05:00

The Hoover Spot Scrubber is by far the best $80 I've ever spent. It will suck anything out of your carpet. I cleaned up three stains (all dog related) in less than five minutes. I almost want to spill more stuff just to see if it will clean it up. Which it will because it's awesome.

What I Learned Today...

2011-09-25T21:54:00.002-05:00

I'm currently sitting on facebook waiting for my eldest niece to "friend" me. Not only am I now less cool than said niece... I'm apparently just getting lamer by the second... mostly because I need her to hurry up so I can go to sleep.

What I Learned Today...

2011-09-15T21:12:00.002-05:00

New door knobs are great. Sometimes new fancy door knobs will turn on the inside even if they are locked on the outside. This may or may not cause one to get locked out of one's house. Thank God for keypad entry garage doors. That could've been embarrassing.

On another note, my new washer is here, installed, and washing all of my belongings as we speak. There's a corroded knob that required shutting off the main water to the house and needs replacing along with a disgusting laundry room floor and some mud on the carpet, but at least people may now come within ten feet of me.

20 Days...

2011-09-13T20:59:00.003-05:00

is how long I've owned my house, and tomorrow I have to go buy a new washing machine. Awesome. I'm pretty sure I have one picked out, but does anyone have any final quips of wisdom for me?

Also, 20 days is how long it took the dog to figure out how to open the lid to the garbage can. Damn that evil creature for not being dumber.

For Doc

2011-09-12T19:59:00.002-05:00

A customer said to me today:

"So are you a nurse or are you just a pharmacist?"

And there you have it Doc, just a pharmacist.

I'm Not Ready

2011-09-07T06:43:00.002-05:00

This morning while walking the dog I saw, not one, but two flocks of geese flying south. I'm really hoping these are just the really stupid geese that overreact to one or two chilly mornings. I'm not sure though seeing as how I could SEE MY BREATH. Not cool.

It's Been One Week Since...

2011-08-31T15:21:00.004-05:00

Since... I blogged.... Since I closed on my house... Since I got to sleep past 6am... but mostly I was thinking of the Barenaked Ladies song.

What have I learned?

Lots. And in no particular order.

For example, I went to the DMV today like a good citizen to change my address and they said I was eligible to renew my license. You have to take a written test. Uhh what? What if I don't pass? Uhh then you don't get your license. Oh what was that? I couldn't hear you over the sound of your chomping and not getting off your butt! Good news I passed and they also updated my voter registration so that actually was helpful.

I've officially started doing projects in my garage. Makes you feel good, and a little less classy when a lot of it involves spray paint. I wanted to put pictures of the finished products because I think the mailbox will look cool but it's not done yet.

It is possible to go to Walmart four times in three days. It's not because I don't make lists, it's because once the cart is full I'm forced to check out, go home, unload, and repeat. The employees are beginning to recognize me. It's only slightly humiliating. Let the record show I still do not love the place and I have to go back again.

I finally got to use my whirlpool tub last night. Lesson learned you have to let the water fill up above the jets before turning them on. Woops.

Apparently I need a new roof. You guys will do that for pizza and beer right?

Closing Attire

2011-08-24T20:42:00.001-05:00

Fitting?

What I Learned Today...

2011-08-07T21:30:00.002-05:00

The number of sweatshirts I own is down right obnoxious.

Also, you all suck at helpin' a Munchkin out with the internet question (except you siblings, b/c there was that conversation). Of course my address apparently doesn't exist. I guess I have to call all these companies and see.

Alright People

2011-08-05T20:44:00.000-05:00

I need good, reliable, not super expensive internet. Go.

What I Learned Today...

2011-07-30T18:10:00.002-05:00

Five hour energy is the devil. It is fantastically energizing and seems to almost sharpen my mental state while warding off the dreaded hangover. However, I think it's more of a 24 hour energy. I drank one at 9pm last night, stayed up until 3am, and was wide awake again at 7am. I assumed I would crash fairly quickly today and end up taking a lengthy nap, but I was wrong. It is now almost 6:30pm and I have not slept nor am I the least bit tired. I wonder if I'll sleep tonight. Maybe I don't drink five hour energy anymore. Good thing I didn't try the six hour energy drink.

Texts From Earlier Today

2011-07-24T20:47:00.004-05:00

"Just now realized after being in P-town and BN all afternoon that I'm wearing a white shirt with a not white bra."

Reply - "Keep it classy."

Oh and this one was NOT Toula.

By the way, anonymous (Toula), I've had more than one person tell me that your text has happened to them multiple times and let's be honest... I'm probably one of them.

What's A Good Night?

2011-07-23T22:18:00.001-05:00

Going out at early evening, having some appetizers and drinks, and being home at a sensible hour to still get a good night's sleep.

I think I went from 21 to... umm.... well, older than 21.

Texts From The Other Night

2011-07-17T19:39:00.002-05:00

I received this text message from someone who will remain anonymous at about 10pm Thursday night. I happened to read it in the middle of watching "Annie" which caused both Relish and I to laugh inappropriately during the play.

"Just realized my underwear is inside out... it's nearly 10 pm and I've gone to the bathroom approximately 6 times today...."

Classy.

Day 4

2011-07-05T20:37:00.006-05:00

The Jameson Distillery. Now you may have heard from someone that this is where I discovered that I like Jameson. This is false. I used to drink whiskey on a, umm, well... I've had whiskey before. Alright I drank it my entire sophomore year in college and got a little sick of it, ok? I just rediscovered it.

Let's start with the weird cat that I thought was a real cat until tour guide lady told us it was a stuffed cat. And by stuffed I mean it used to be alive. Creepy.

I don't believe this barrel could've held whiskey with that big ol' hole.

This was actually interesting. The five barrels show the color change and how much whiskey is lost during the aging process. After three years they are allowed by law to sell it as whiskey, but at Jameson they age it for five because they care.

I love you.

And then we discovered the Church Bar. Yes, it used to be a church and was converted to a bar. And that bust is Arthur Guinness. He got married in Church Bar (when it was just Church).

And there was more Jameson.

And a cute little baby Guinness! (That's not actually Guinness, it's Tia Maria liquor and Baileys... except Daren used Kahlua).

Actually the entire tour was very interesting and our tour guide was funny. Does anybody know the difference between American whiskey, Scotch whiskey and Irish whiskey?

Blarney

2011-06-26T19:29:00.005-05:00

Wednesday morning we had to get up and meet our tour at the Paddywagon office at 6:30am sharp. I have no idea why it had to be 6:30am sharp, the Irish are notorious for always being late and we didn't leave till close to 7. We weren't going straight to Blarney, first we stopped in Cobh and saw this church (can't remember the name of it), a Titanic memorial (this was the last port it was in), and some other little memorials.

Then it was off to Blarney to see the castle and kiss the stone. Because everyone I was with obviously is very lacking in the gab department. For those of you that don't know, kissing the stone is supposed to give you a "silver tongue" or "the gift of gab" for seven years. Not going to be real wordy here because, well, there's not much to say. It was neat to see and we kissed to stone. That's pretty much it.

We spotted a leprechaun.

There was a poison garden. We weren't to touch, taste, or smell any of the plants. Good thing I couldn't breathe anyway.
Pretty view from the top of Blarney Castle.
And the downward view.
There was no flattering picture of me hanging off a castle trying to kiss a rock that was two feet below my head. I can't imagine why. By the way, the whole hanging off the side of a castle thing is totally exaggerated. There's maybe a foot gap between the floor and the stone, there's a mat you lay on, two handles you hold on to, and a guy holds you why you do it. It's really not scary.

What I Learned Today...

2011-06-24T19:03:00.002-05:00

That old old wooden ship in the last post was not "Diversity." I apologize I thought that was funny (it's from Anchorman for those of you that don't know). I'm going to post next about Blarney. I'm sorry it's not up yet, but I haven't had more than five minutes to sit down at my computer since the last post. Will do it soon!!

Dublin City Bike Tour

2011-06-22T17:51:00.006-05:00

I apologize in advance if you seasoned bloggers (not you Page Turner) don't appreciate this blog either as it doesn't have anyone being drunk and doing something stupid. That didn't happen till Friday.

Semi early Tuesday morning we set out on our (roundabout) way to our first of several tours of our trip. The roundabout refers to me taking us ten blocks out of the way, which is why I lost map privileges. I said we needed Shortcake and her phenomenal map reading abilities. Turns out we had the Bride all along who should be a professional navigator. Luckily the Irish are apparently always late, and the second of our two tour guides was just arriving as we finally found the place. And we were off, but not without proper safety gear. Once again, while I may not outwardly appear to have an oversized melon, I will shock other with the massiveness of my giant dome. The man had to go get a couple bigger helmets.

These guys were actually incredibly informative about, well, a lot of things. It took around two or two and a half hours as we rode around basically the whole city, but we stopped several times to look at different things and hear stories. We also stopped to get a "refreshment" as they called it. At a pub.

This first photo is of a sculpture done about the famine. It's called "The Departure." I guess there's another in Toronto called "The Arrival" and the people look even worse.

This is the old old wooden ship "Diversity."

This is a bridge someone built and it's called something, but all I remember is it's nickname is "The stiffy on the Liffey." It goes over the river that goes through Dublin (The Liffey).
This spot used to be a Leper colony. The poles are to represent that. It's where the saying "I wouldn't touch that with a ten foot pole" comes from. Although I'm pretty sure the wording has changed a little.
This is a tribute in a park to Oscar Wilde. There's a statue of sorts of him. On these columns they had famous people write their favorite Oscar Wilde quotes.
This was my favorite.
I can't remember who this guy is, but we had to sing a song to him. In public. It was kinda weird.

This is St. Patrick's Cathedral. Did you know he wasn't born in Ireland? I didn't either. Apparently the Irish stole him from Wales.

We didn't get a chance to go in it, but I would've liked to. I also don't have a picture of the pub we stopped in. It was called "The Barge," but we were only there for like twenty minutes. The tour was neat, the tour guides were neat, almost getting hit by double decker buses riding down the middle of very busy streets was not neat. Toula got her pants stuck in her bike. We thought we'd lost her. She's fine. I almost hit a pedestrian. He's fine. The next day, my butt was not fine.

I'm sure that wasn't the word-heavy, witty and elaborate post you were looking for (Mrs. and Tru Stories), but at least it had some nice pictures from my nice camera... right?

The Bookends

2011-06-20T19:13:00.005-05:00

Well we've made it back safe and sound and as expected there are lots of stories to tell. I will start with flights. This is mostly because I cannot fly uneventfully. Then I will post random stories and some pictures. I can't do big long posts. You guys know this about me.

We arrived at the airport in plenty of time Sunday afternoon for our "overnight" flight to Ireland, thanks in part to lack of construction and Drunk's ninja driving skills. Happily we were unloading our suitcases from the Trailblazer just as A and Toula were unloading from their taxi. We headed to the check in desk and got sent off to security without incident. One complaint about the O'Hare international terminal, there's no food after security. It would have been a much better time killer to eat after security, but oh well. Turns out though, two hours with nothing to do in a terminal with not much more to do makes us a little immature.

After we boarded the plane, well that's when things started taking a downward spiral. I semi heavily medicated prior to boarding so I was fading fast. There were three boys under the age of five sitting in the two rows in front of us. They were loud. Really loud. Everyone slept for around ten minutes. I slept for about four hours I think. Apparently I kept glaring at Drunk Driver. I don't remember that. It was the sleep aids. At one point I woke up to the one kid screaming like a howler monkey. The plane was completely silent other than that. It all made for a rough Monday as everyone was understandably exhausted. We all ended up napping, but it made for another story.

The following Sunday we arrived back at the Dublin airport bright and early only to find out our return flight had been cancelled. I turned to very obviously look outside at the perfect-for-flying weather conditions before asking why. She says me to "we tried to call you." Yeah lady because I'm on vacation in a foreign country. The point is no cell phone for me for a week (and it was glorious). We were sent down to the stand by desk where the lady told me that the 6:30pm flight to Chicago the night before had been cancelled so therefore our flight had been cancelled. They created a new flight instead that had a different number and left fifteen minutes earlier to cover the fact that they were just blatantly giving our seats away to the other passengers (I felt bad for them, it just wasn't my fault). I know what you're thinking, this made perfect sense to me as well. Apparently in Ireland if the flight before you gets cancelled (by the way there were three or four other flights between them), those passengers get preference on the next flight out while I get screwed for no reason. I clearly stated to her that I was aware this was not her fault, but WHAT THE BLEEP? She didn't care. So we waited. She told us to come back in a couple hours to check and see if they knew anything more. A, Toula, and I were 8, 9, and 10. She said there were nine open seats so it should be no problem. I held back the "you obviously didn't major in math" comment. Drunk and his Driver were 13 and 14. They were also the next people in line. I have no idea how that happened either.

So we went back later to check and there we were. Herded over to this tiny corner like cattle actually hoping to get chosen for the butcher. There was at least a thousand people all together in the Aer Lingus section of the airport. It was chaos. Finally they started calling names and we got called. After they finished checking me in I looked at Drunk and his Driver and asked what they'd do if they didn't get called. They both calmly shrugged in unison and said no big deal. I said "I mean I'll leave you here I don't care, I just don't want to." Apparently I said that rather loudly as several people, including the stand by desk lady, laughed. From there we hauled tail to security, customs, and security again. I was getting my bum in that seat as fast and possible and not leaving it until Chicago. As we were running off Toula said she heard D&D get called and I was relieved. While in line at customs and man that was in our same situation tapped me on the shoulder to tell me my friends had made it. I reassured him I didn't actually want to abandon my brother and his wife in a foreign country, it was just something I was willing to do if it came down to it. As it turns out, we actually landed a half hour before originally scheduled. Big Bad, please stop rolling your eyes about all the reasons I shouldn't fly. I get it.

More to come...

Munchkin's Log, Star Date 6/12/11

2011-06-12T09:34:00.001-05:00

We are leaving for the airport in four hours. I should probably at least start to think about packing.

I Bet the Mrs. Can't Wait Till I Have Kids

2011-06-10T21:41:00.002-05:00

This is what she heard while on the phone with me tonight while Prada was just standing in the road like an idiot.

"If you get hit by a car I'm not taking you to the hospital."

Laundry

2011-06-08T21:31:00.001-05:00

Fail.

This Is My Life

2011-06-05T21:06:00.002-05:00

Tonight I let the dog out and after she didn't come to the door for awhile I went out to check on her. She was playing with what I thought was a mouse she'd found. Tossing it in the air and what not. When the gag reflex kicked in I went back in the house.

A while later I heard Roommate come in the back door and he was saying something to Dog. I come downstairs and Roommate tells me that she brought a opossum to the back door (again). Upon further inquiry I find out that Roommate ran over the opossum with his truck and then kept moving. Like the dog wasn't going to go get it and bring it to the house. She's done it twice before. I guess the mouse was actually a baby opossum. I'm gagging again. So gross. Would it be animal cruelty to wash her mouth out with bleach?

Lost

2011-06-05T19:14:00.001-05:00

Risky Business sunglasses.

Found: Roommate wearing Risky Business sunglasses.

Weird.

What I Learned Today...

2011-06-02T20:20:00.001-05:00

Mr. MC and Page Turner share the same birthday!

Happy birthday (yesterday) you two!!!

What Does This Say About Me?

2011-05-31T20:58:00.002-05:00

What would you guys think about me if I took my Benefiber to Ireland?

Help Needed

2011-05-25T20:30:00.003-05:00

Sorry for the sabbatical. I was on a little vacation.

I came home. There's no food. I asked for suggestions. I got nothing. I'm going grocery shopping tomorrow. I've been on allrecipes.com for over an hour. I know Mrs. did this recipe thing a little while ago but I don't feel like searching back through. I need things that are light (I'm trying to eat better), quick (I get home not early), and require not a crap ton of ingredients (see "no food"). Most importantly I would like different. We've done tacos. We've done (turkey) burgers. We've done spaghetti. Things with spices, flavor... that's what I'm looking for. I have a closet desire to be a phenomenal chef.

Thoughts?

Welcome Home

2011-05-16T20:22:00.006-05:00

For those of you that don't know, BOTD arrived back home safe and sound a few days ago. It's good to have you back, and thank your for your service. I'll get the beer tomorrow. And it's AL's birthday today. Happy birthday to the best sister! So what do you want for your birthday?

On an unrelated note, I have no idea why this is all underlined. I can't make it stop.

Fellow Bloggers...

2011-05-13T21:54:00.001-05:00

Has there been something wrong with the blog-o-sphere the last couple days or is it just me?

What I Learned Today...

2011-05-12T07:54:00.000-05:00

Always check the entire recipient list before hitting "reply all" on an email.

What I Learned Today...

2011-05-08T16:33:00.001-05:00

"The Bernie" is never not funny.

What the....

2011-05-06T20:57:00.001-05:00

Did Drunk just comment on my blog?

Poll

2011-05-06T06:40:00.002-05:00

So Grandma called me and told me I have to bring Jell-O on Sunday. Does everybody think I should make it the way I did for Christmas (with bananas, that's what Mom always did) or just plain Jell-O?

By the way, I like that I'm considered an adult, but not enough to be trusted with a big dish that important and more complex that boil/stir/fridge. This works for me.

What Do We Think This Means?

2011-05-02T19:49:00.003-05:00

I got a phone call from an 11 digit phone number tonight. I missed the call which makes me unhappy. It's also impossible to reverse look up a phone number with too many digits.

Turn Offs

2011-04-28T20:08:00.004-05:00

~Having the word "Zelda" in your username

~Having the first line of your profile say "Since you're reading this you already know I'm tall, dark, and handsome"

~Being 65

~No seriously, a 65 year old looked at my profile

~*Openly saying in your profile that you "don't work" (see below)

~Only posting pictures of yourself that you've taken...yourself...with your phone in the mirror..... I cannot fathom that in not one single instance has someone else taken a picture of you that is ok to put on your profile

Ok angry commenters, I just meant that if you are a single guy in your mid twenties with no kids and you're obviously not independently wealthy, then I really wouldn't go bragging on an online dating website where you're basically selling yourself by saying "oh and uh I don't work." Maybe I'm in between jobs or I'm pursing my career. This is not like the mothers out there who are working harder than I do to raise their kids. Dear God what have I done.

Why I'm Still Single

2011-04-24T19:15:00.003-05:00

This conversation took place about five minutes after arriving at A&G's house for Easter (well it was kinda over). Those present were Uncle A, Aunt G, the General, and the Mrs.

Mrs. "How was your date?"

Aunt G "Did you go on a date with a boy or a girl?"

Munchkin: no words can come out at this point

General "Did you just ask Munchkin if she's a lesbian?" While kinda simultaneously dialing Tru Stories. "I gotta call Tru Stories, she'll want to come back for this."

Munchkin: "It was a guy."

Aunt G "No I just meant that girls can go on dates, like a girls night out. I don't think your a lesbian."

Munchkin: "It was a GUY!"

General (while Aunt G is explaining how she doesn't think I'm a lesbian and on the phone with Tru Stories) "Aunt G just asked Munchkin if she's a lesbian."

Aunt G "That's not what I meant."

Munchkin: "IT WAS A GUY!!!!!!!!"

Tru Stories "Are you for realz, cuz I'm totally coming back."

Mrs. and Aunt G start talking about something else.

A very disappointed General "Nah, they've already moved on to something else."

What I Learned Today...

2011-04-23T13:34:00.003-05:00

Don't post the town you're going to be going on your date in, especially if you have a sibling with a wife and two kids in that town that are in need of entertainment on a Friday night. I'm told George and Vince were given the choice to go to a movie or stalk their Aunt Munchkin. Well, here's their decision.

I received an email titled "we found you" with this attached. Not creepy at all guys.

Hey Big Bad

2011-04-22T15:36:00.003-05:00

I'm not going to be around tonight. I'm going to go to BloNo because I have a date. I'll be back later. Don't wait up.

And Coach: I'm hoping for your entertainment's sake that this does not go well.

How To Not Get A Date With Me

2011-04-20T21:02:00.008-05:00

1. Don't make your username "Spawn660." I will assume it is a typo and that you are some sort of serial killer or something else along those lines.

2. Don't upload an entire self photo shoot to your profile. It seems a little sad that you could not find one picture of yourself that you did not take while alone in your room with the camera on your computer. Sorta like this....

No seriously, this is exactly what the pictures were like. I only did this to show my readers. And he winked at me. I feel gross.

Which Was The Ugly One? Lilo or Stitch?

2011-04-19T20:15:00.002-05:00

Happy Birthday to my dawg..... the dog.

Backhanded Compliment?

2011-04-17T17:02:00.002-05:00

Customer: "Oh, did you just get back from maternity leave?"

Munchkin: "Does that mean I look like I've dropped a nine pound ham or that I seem to be carrying a little extra 'left over' weight?"

Note: I didn't say either of those things and also, I haven't been gone from the store for more than one day at a time for over a month.

Race Update

2011-04-15T20:23:00.002-05:00

I am officially backing out of the 10k in two weeks. Still can't run. I'm pretty ok with it. Not about quitting, but about the not having to train or wake up at the butt crack of dawn to run. It's nicer this way. Sorry Mrs. and Doc. Maybe next time. It was a stupid idea anyway.

I Take My Bets Seriously

2011-04-13T20:13:00.002-05:00

Toula "I just threw up bananas."

Munchkin "That's cheating."

Toula "You're an ass."

SWFSSMWGJABHITM

2011-04-12T19:27:00.004-05:00

That stands for single white female seeking single white male with good job and better health insurance than mine. Somehow I already know that's asking too much. And my health insurance is awful.

Anyway, this post is to tell you how it works. I mean you probably know desperate single people make profiles to find other desperate single people that are attractive and normal seeming, but there's just a little more too it. And some of you might want to know, so here....

After creating an account you have to make a profile. You answer a bunch of questions ranging from height (legal midget) to hair color (afro) to profession (being angry). You also have to answer a bunch of questions about what you're looking for in a match... hobbies (having a really huge house with a lake and a boat), profession (making a crap ton of money), reading habits (wait, what?).

Then based on this information and the set radius in miles from you zip code you have programmed into search, they send you six matches every 24 hours. You look at these profiles and answer "do they interest you?" by clicking on "yes," "maybe," or "no." You can then wink (there's no way to make that sound less stupid), email them, or request their phone number.

Any questions?

Editor's note: Coach, just for you, I will try to make this as long and as painful of a process as possible.

A Bet...

2011-04-11T19:36:00.003-05:00

Toula and I are both going to Florida next month and were talking about how we would both like to lose a few pounds before departure. She was bragging to me about how she consumed no more than 12 calories today and while she was starving, she assured me she's going to stick to this diet. This was quickly followed by, "I bet I can stick with it longer than you." Which led to "I bet I can lose more weight than you, pick a time frame."

I said fine, I leave May 18th so lets me it easy and go next Monday till the morning I leave and it's a nice square month.

M: "That's great, but I don't know what to bed, nothing motivates me."

T: "Well this is going to suck if nothing motivates you."

M: "Wait, if I win you have to come down here on one of my three day weekends and get day drunk all weekend while you drive me wherever I want to go and get me food and beer."

T: "Ok, if I win you have to come up to Chicago and pay for me to do touristy crap all day and we're going to the most crowded places I can think of."

M: "That's totally unfair. If I win it's going to cost you $2.12 at McDonalds, and if you win it's going to cost me a crap ton of money and multiple anxiety attacks."

T: "Guess you better win then."

Damn. I'm more concerned about not losing now than actually winning. I hate touristy crap and crowded places. And Chicago.

What Doesn't Strike Me...

2011-04-10T17:08:00.004-05:00

A username of "nativekiller26." Please do not view me, favorite me, or wink at me. Thanks.

If You Don't Forward This Email To Ten People...

2011-04-09T18:26:00.004-05:00

I am . . . Munchkin.

I want . . . a beer.

I have . . . a dog.

I wish . . . that the dog didn't puke chocolate everywhere.

I hate . . . when the dog pukes chocolate everywhere.

I fear . . . the next time the dog pukes chocolate everywhere.

I hear . . . the Ocean Spray Cranberry commercial.

I search . . . google when needed.

I wonder . . . if anyone is actually still reading this.

I regret . . .not becoming a veterinarian.

I love . . . the dog.

I ache . . . in my foot.

I always . . . love the dog. And beers.

I usually . . . drink the beers.

I am not . . . sure why this is so long.

I dance . . . phenomenally.

I sing . . . Strokin'.

I never . . . Play "never have I ever" on my blog.

I sometimes . . . wonder how we got to where we are in society.

I cry . . . when I think about my student loans.

I lose . . . my temper. Constantly.

I am grateful . . . for the dog.

I need . . . a new house.

I should . . . send my roommate for more beer.

You're next . . . A?

Match Made In.....

2011-04-07T21:52:00.004-05:00

Munchkinland?

In an effort to push my blog closer to a book/movie deal I have taken a step that will delve this blog deeper into my personal life. It may be more entertaining, it may not be, it may just make me angrier. Apparently I'm very angry for a small person. Anyway, I had thought up a really good first post to reveal this (because my siblings don't even know), but I can't remember and after two weeks without a post, I'm afraid the tar and feathers are close.

I joined Match.com. And you my friends, get to hear all about the "Adventures in Online Dating."

A Comparison

2011-03-23T21:24:00.011-05:00

freaking

canny.

Step Fifteen

2011-03-17T18:06:00.002-05:00

Develop a foot thing. Rest for four or five days, let a little healing happen and get back to it. Run five minutes after five days rest and come reasonably close to cutting foot off so that it does not get in the way of training. Go to physical therapist next door to work, have her check it out, do an ultrasound to check for stress fractures and find nothing. Reconsider excising foot. Drive to Savoy on your day off and fall in love with Body N Sole sports. Find out the super fly shoes you bought a month ago are crap. Burn those. Have awesome staff check your foot structure, watch you walk and run, recommend/have you try on approximately fifteen pairs of shoes, have you go outside and run around the parking lot in them. After talking awhile about pains and work environments and other related issues, find out you may have developed plantar fasciitis. Buy another new pair of running shoes with all sorts of support that is supposed to help with issues.

Why? Because I will freaking finish this race. And I will finish it without walking and in a respectable amount of time.

Quote of the Day?

2011-03-16T07:45:00.003-05:00

Why is it, that no McDonald's employee can properly give back change? Is it not common place to know that you give back coins first, pause so person can put them in pocket/coin purse/car cup holder, then hand them the dollars bills? Why must they attempt to shove dollars first with receipt and then drop coins encouraging them to fall everywhere, without giving me a chance to properly grab the paper money in the first place?

Come on people!

Update

2011-03-12T13:18:00.004-06:00

The pants that ripped yesterday were not a pair of my spandex infused super awesome Jockey home party pants (which apparently I've told every one about), they were a five year old pair of khakis from American Eagle that have been too tight for the last two. Fear not.

It's Gonna Be a Good Day!!

2011-03-11T07:28:00.002-06:00

My pants just ripped.

How Mature Are We?

2011-03-09T21:55:00.005-06:00

So Toula and I video chat on Skype semi often for people who talk on the phone almost nightly. You see, we skype because we get tired of holding our phones. The video chat gets ridiculous. She hates my Blackberry. She says I'm a worse friend since I got it. She lies. I just figured out how to use it like two weeks ago. We have been skyping lately to chat about or Ireland trip so we both see what we're booking and such. Tonight I may have been texting while we were video chatting. So every time she'd see me pick up my phone she would call it so it would interrupt my text. And then laugh uncontrollably. And then I would deny her call and she would yell at me for denying her call. This went on for like ten minutes.

She has been saying since I went to college I need a video crew to follow me around to catch all the stupid stuff I do. It would go perfect with our reality TV show. Toula could make guest appearances regularly via skype. It would be super stupid but you would watch. We're also trying to get Charlie Sheen. Name suggestions still welcome.

Thought of the Day...

2011-03-09T21:11:00.001-06:00

I believe the freezer deserves a light too.

Hi, My Name Is Munchkin

2011-03-08T19:56:00.002-06:00

And I have an anger management problem.

Sincerely,

Captain Obvious

Lesson of the Day...

2011-03-05T19:46:00.002-06:00

When you are paying for your merchandise and you hand me a card and I ask if it's a credit or a debit card and you say it's either, I will run it as a debit because that doesn't cost me any money. If then, when I tell you to enter you pin and you tell me you do not have a pin, that means it is a credit card and can not be run as a debit. You bleeping moron.

This Is Why I Have To Exercise...

2011-03-03T21:54:00.002-06:00

I saw a commercial for Quaker oatmeal today starring Bob Harper (you know the trainer from The Biggest Loser). He was talking about how oatmeal is heart healthy and tastes great and blah blah blah and now it contains half the sugar.

All I heard: "Now you have to add twice the sugar to your oatmeal."

The Wildlife Is Out Of Control...

2011-03-02T22:12:00.005-06:00

Tonight I came home and saw something standing next to the crib. I thought it was the dog at first and was trying to figure out why she would be outside since my roommate wasn't home. I pulled closer to find that it was a raccoon. This size of my dog. My dog is huge and fat. Biggest raccoon ever. It stared at me a little before going under the crib. That made me uneasy. I hope I don't have nightmares.

I Got A Fever

2011-03-01T19:49:00.003-06:00

Tonight on the way home I heard Blue Oyster Cult's "Don't Fear the Reaper." All I could picture was Will Ferrell playing the cowbell and it made me smile the whole way home.

Classifieds

2011-02-27T19:59:00.001-06:00

I will give someone $50 to do my ironing. Or I could just buy that wrinkle releaser stuff.

She's How Old?

2011-02-24T21:05:00.002-06:00

A couple weeks ago, I was at an FFA auction for Relish and this is the conversation that took place on Monday morning at school.

Sponsor Guy: "Who was that girl sitting with your family at the auction?"

Relish: "Oh, that's my aunt."

Sponsor Guy: "Oh I thought you were the oldest."

What I Learned Today...

2011-02-20T21:16:00.003-06:00

Oh Google. How I do turn to you often.

I'm getting psyched to load up my new Ipod (that I don't have yet) with all these awesome songs to run to. I googled "songs to run to."

The first thing on the list on the first link I clicked on what a Michael Bolton song. Apparently I forgot the word "good" before the phrase.

Then I added "good." Paperback Writer popped up.

I have to go run right now.

Ok You'll Probably Like This Post Better...

2011-02-18T21:54:00.004-06:00

And by that it better mean more comments.

So I'm ordering something off of Amazon.com and I'm like six dollars away from getting the free super saver shipping. Yes I will spend six dollars on something I don't need so I can get free shipping. I need suggestions on what to buy.

See, no opossum story. Better?

What Prada Learned Today...

2011-02-18T21:22:00.002-06:00

Crazy lady I live with doesn't enjoy when I bring her gifts of opossum. She screams like even crazier lady proclaiming "they have hands!!!"

What I Learned Today...

2011-02-17T17:16:00.002-06:00

When trying to hide your most recent speeding ticket from your roommate, it's best to not have your driver's license mailed back from the county clerk to your house.

Quote of the Day?

2011-02-14T19:07:00.002-06:00

Customer I hate: "How far along are you?"

Proof!

2011-02-13T22:30:00.003-06:00

Pay attention to the last picture because that's all you'll be seeing that day.

Step Three

2011-02-12T12:00:00.002-06:00

Buy super fly new running shoes.

Check.

Use super fly new running shoes.

Um, check?

A Guest Post - Toula Style

2011-02-11T08:51:00.004-06:00

Dear Tru Stories -

You've been known to say Wal Mart is your temple. If I had one guess, I would bet this is your Mecca...

Every day this week, I've driven past the studio of Her Holiness to get to my audit client, which happens to be a mere 3 buildings away. With Oprah in the air this week, and some extra chilly mornings, I've been thinking that you didn't get tickets to Her show this time around because She didn't want you to see Her area of Chicago covered in 2 feet of dirty, rock-hard snow. She doesn't want you have to wear layers upon layers or to slip on an icy corner, break yo' neck, and miss Her show. O is just looking out for you. She knows Her biggest fans can wait. She's saving Her best shows, for Her best fans, for last, for Springtime or Summertime, when Her part of Chicago is pretty, when you don't have to crop out a mountain of snow from the picture of Her studio entrance.

I've had my eye out for Her when I'm out and about or looking out the window, (even though I'm 95% sure She has secret underground tunnels into the house of Harpo. Seriously, that place is like the Willy Wonka factory.) I've probably been rubbing elbows with an assistant or two of Hers while grabbing lunch or coffee. How could I not? I think She owns everything and everyone within a 5 block radius, minimum. I'm pretty much working side by side with O Herself. I'm guessing this week, it was just too cold for Her to stop and chat as we passed on the sidewalk, but it's supposed to warm up next week when I head back Her way. So when I get the chance to talk to Her, I'll be sure to let Her know you've had your Oprahany. You're focused on Your Moment. You're ready for your pilgrimage north to your Mecca; you're able-bodied; you can afford it. You're prepared to to join a crowd of Winfreaks to demonstrate your solidarity and your loyalty to the mighty O.

Sending Oprah Mojo your way TS -

Toula

Question of the Day...

2011-02-05T22:24:00.002-06:00

Would it be weird if I wore my "Chillin With My Gnomies" shirt to opening night of "Gnomio and Juliet?"

Who wants to come with me?

Munchkin's Log, Star Date 2/3/11

2011-02-03T18:24:00.002-06:00

Training has commenced. I ran on the treadmill today. Well I walked much more than I ran, but we're using baby steps.

Attention Family

2011-02-01T17:48:00.001-06:00

I made it home from work safely.

This Is Really the Dumbest Idea We've Ever Had...

2011-01-31T20:00:00.004-06:00

This morning I signed up for the Christie Clinic Illinois Marathon 10k. Yes, that is 1.2 miles farther than I ran (walked) last summer.

Thus far, in preparation, I have bought a treadmill, read the training schedule for running a 10k, put treadmill together, thought about what I'm going to wear, stared at treadmill, thought about what to add to my Ipod for the race, checked to make sure the fan on the treadmill works, and looked online for new running shoes.

Right on schedule.

Dear Oprah....

2011-01-28T15:52:00.003-06:00

Please pick Tru Stories and Grammy to be on your show so they can come up with new blog material. They really really deserve it. Really.

Munchkin

Thought of the Day...

2011-01-25T20:41:00.001-06:00

I saw a McDonald's bag on the road on my way home from work today.

Why?

What was happening in your life at that moment that you thought "there's no way I can wait to find a garbage can, I must discard this out the window immediately"?

I'm NOT too Irresponsible to Leave the Country...

2011-01-20T17:44:00.004-06:00

Munchkin: "Hey Big Bad, do you have the papers from my first six car payments? I can't find them."

Big Bad: "Let me go check."

Five minutes later.

Big Bad: "Are you going to get mad?" while obviously hiding something.

Munchkin: "What?"

Big Bad: whips out folder that says "valuable documents" which contains my long lost birth certificate, social security card, and Iowa voter registration card.

"It was buried on my desk."

What I Learned Today...

2011-01-18T21:10:00.002-06:00

It is possible to get drunk off of a customer's breath at 2:00pm on a Tuesday.

Question of the Day...

2011-01-16T10:05:00.003-06:00

How does one get back on Tru Stories good side when they may have superpissedheroff last night?

Suggestions welcome.

Advertisement of the Day

2011-01-11T20:14:00.003-06:00

This morning I heard a commercial for teeth whitening at a dentist office. At the end of the commercial they were saying how it'd be a great Valentine's Day gift.

Yes nothing says I love you like "you have heinous teeth, please go get them fixed with this gift certificate."

What I Learned Today...

2011-01-09T17:33:00.002-06:00

Crap. Now I have to find a spandex wedding dress.

Also, googling "spandex wedding dress" yields 609,000 results.

What I Learned Today...

2011-01-09T10:00:00.001-06:00

I'm apparently tacky.

You can all go to hell.

You Can Take The Girl Out Of College...

2011-01-06T22:16:00.002-06:00

...but you can't make me classy.

For supper tonight we dined on a fine bowl of macaroni and cheese (from a box), mixed with left over browned hamburger, and salsa from a jar.

For the icing on the cake, I had a glass of Verdi before bed.

2011 Goals...

2011-01-04T06:49:00.001-06:00

Don't get strep throat and an ear infection.

Day 3 = Epic Fail.

2011 Goals...

2011-01-03T21:57:00.002-06:00

Post on my blog daily.

Day 1 = Epic Fail